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Memories. They're like the wind. You never know when or how it will blow.

It's been five years now since he passed away. Day by day there is somehow a fear inside of me that I might forget everything about him completely, his voice, how does he look like, his scent, (funny thing, I preserved his perfume so every time I miss him I just get a whiff of it) I am afraid that the brief moments I had with him will be erased in my mind as I continue to grow old. Forgetting him was the last thing I would not do. But little by little every memory I had with him is getting vague and indistinct. As far as I'm concern, I do not want to go back to those memories again, but it is the only thing I have to be with him. Even a photograph of us rarely exists. All I have of him is just memories.

He is a man of few words. I know him as the man who often hides his emotions and feelings. He always talks about his life experiences, and the lessons he learned from it. Although he is strict, serious and sometimes scary, I would never forget how much he loved me. He treated me as his real daughter, provided everything for me and like any other parent, he has big dreams for me. He was my number one fan, I was his' too. He was my hero. We are together everywhere and anywhere. You can call me 'papa's girl' if you want, but that is the truth. I grew up wanting to please him in everything that I do. He is the reason why I once dreamed to be a successful Civil Engineer. He taught me a lot of things that had shaped who I am and what I am right now. I never felt the feeling of being fatherless, because I know he is more perfect than my biological father who never took time to find me. I spent fourteen years of my life happy and contented because he gave me a family that is very extraordinary upon giving their love and care for me.
When I always a child, he used to be my protector, my compassionate and wonderful father. I had so much memorable days with him, one thing I remember, when I ate enough sweets and still want for more, he’s the one who knows where to find the cookie jars and sneaks out to eat together; they said you’d never enjoyed being a kid when you never had a toy, and I could say that I enjoyed a lot because he brought me every toy that I want.

But not every moment we had was happy, I did not became the daughter that he wants me to be, I failed him so many times, did things that made him angry, that led my heart astray from him. A part inside of me became rebellious and angry to him. My love for him turned into bitterness and resentment. Many times I thought of leaving, but I do not have the guts to do it, so I turned out to be the girl with a bitter heart.
Not until I found out that he has cancer. When I first heard about it, my stone heart melted and I cried. I felt like thousand stones were thrown into me and I can't do anything to stop it. I wanted to embrace him but I can't. Maybe its pride, or like him, I got afraid to show what I feel. After his operation, I had the chance to restore my relationship with my father. He was able to recover from his operation that made me so happy and thankful that it is not too late for me to show him how much I love him. I had my father back and I was willing to spend every time I have with him.

But after one year, there I was, standing beside my father, watching him how he loses his life. His cancer reached stage three, after weeks of being in the hospital; he gave up his fight and left us. And my world fell apart that day.
The early days of his death were so hard for me. Every corner of our house is empty without his presence. It gave me sleepless night crying over for him whom I know will not come back forever. When I see everything that resembles him, tears suddenly flow from my eyes and I could not stop it. I know I’ll miss every moment I had with him and even decades and centuries may pass, as long as I live, his memories will remain in my heart. Even those toys he gave me become antique toys someday, I know, I will never forget the man who gave it to me. From the day he left, I felt alone.

Because of what happened, I came to realize one thing: I failed to see how much he loves me. I got blinded by anger and I let myself to be away from his love. I had so much time to tell him and make him feel that I love him but I refused.

My only regret is that, I cannot turn back the time. I will never have my second chance. He's gone forever. All I have is a memory of him, The First Man That I Loved. ='(